KAUSIS

Pakistan strongly condemns / is shocked by / is pleasantly surprised with the success of our "freedom fighters" in the loss of dozens / hundreds / thousands /millions of innocent lives in the bomb blasts / sniper attack / hijacking / religious riots / other disaster that occurred in a busy marketplace / train / housing colony / Indian parliament building / an upper-class hotel / temple in Mumbai /Delhi / Kashmir / Assam / Punjab / Gujarat / Other . 

The Pakistani citizens / soldiers / "freedom fighters" / "friendship agents" /students who were caught red-handed / found dead at the scene of the crime / convicted of the crime are actually undercover Indian / American / Israeliagents. Any Pakistanis proven to be guilty of terrorism will be rewarded handsomely / dealt with severely / promoted to Lt. Colonel / given a new Indian passport and sent back to India / handed over to the Americans as proof of our commitment in the war on terror. 

There are no Pakistani army-funded training camps / terrorist camps /madrasaas in Azad Kashmir / Afghanistan / Nepal / Bangladesh . The satellite images / photographs / eyewitness accounts / videotaped confessions obtained by the Indians is fraudulent / fake / inconclusive / are actually from Indian terrorist camps and part of a larger RAW / CIA conspiracy to destabilize the Pakistani government by stalling democracy / encouraging sectarian violence / undermining Pakistani institutions / causing the next military coup in Pakistan . A destabilized Pakistani government / mafia could cause Pakistanto become a dangerous nuclear WalMart / Target / Seven-Eleven and a terrorist breeding ground / university / research lab that would be worse for the world. 

We hope this will not derail the peace process started with the recent India-Pakistan cricket series / Lahore bus yatra / Muzafarabad-Srinagar road opening / Bollywood peace concert / open borders initiative / other confidence-building measures . We look forward to justifying further attacks against innocent civilians / resolving the core issue of Kashmir / developing best-of-breed plausible deniability defenses. 

We stand by / are plotting against our Indian brethren in their hour / days /years / decades of pain. 

Signed,